The Awkwardness of Divorce

Not my usual blog post today...

Something they don't tell you when you get divorced is that you don't just divorce your spouse, you divorce the whole family. That can be a good thing, but it also becomes awkward if you've been married for any length of time and have forged family friendships, and especially if you share children.

I've been divorced from Husband #1 for 25 years. We share two children. For all intents and purposes, it was amicable, for the sake of said children. After the divorce, the ex invited me to a "family pizza party" at a local restaurant when his sister came to town because I was close to one of his sisters. I went, because - well, we were close. Unfortunately, the ex's new girlfriend wasn't happy about that. She spent the evening throwing peanuts at the ex because she felt I was invading her territory. Okay. Lesson learned. This was no longer my place. 

His family pretty much divorced all of us, including cousin relationships for my children. Years passed, and one of my kids' cousins had a traumatic accident. Again, I had trouble distinguishing between family/not family, and reached out to offer help and sympathy. My efforts were rebuffed. I was no longer family. 

More years passed. My ex's cousin lived in the same city we did, and I'd often run into him at the stores/restaurants. Nice guy. Friendly. He did odd jobs and we hired him from time to time. We had a good relationship. Until he died. I went to his funeral, only to get more of the awkward, evil glances and comments from the ex-family. The ex's other cousins asked, not quite out of earshot, what I was doing there. Ex or not, I still had a friendly relationship with the cousin who passed. If they didn't want my sympathy, that's fine, but I wanted to pay my respects, either way.

Family. Not family. It's awkward. 

My ex passed away recently. The kids were left taking care of the details because of the divorce, which I felt wasn't fair to them, and yet who else? I wanted to help. When it came time to sit vigil with him, I went with my daughter so she wouldn't have to sit alone. (And yes, for the record, if the kids couldn’t have come, I would have walked him home. No one should have to die alone.) When my son showed up to sit with her, they told me it was okay for me to go. But was it? More of this awkward divorce thing. I was in that awkward limbo where I wasn't sure what my place was. Again. 

I am there to support my children, if nothing else. That's not awkward. I hate that they have to handle everything because there is no one else, because... we were divorced. Then I wonder what would have happened to him in his final days if we didn't have children? I wouldn't be there because I wouldn't know. So following that logic, I don't have a place there now. But we do have children. And more than anything else, I'm struggling with wanting to save them from having to deal with all of this. They have grown into exceptional adults, and they've managed everything admirably. They keep telling me this isn't mine to deal with anymore, and they're right, but I hate that it falls to them because of divorce.

Awkward. 

But my kids? So darn proud of them.